The Red and Green Incident
by Bombchu
Summary: Link has all going great for him after the events of MM. But, what happens when Navi, who he wanted dead, a perverted Malon, and a player start to ruin his vacation?
1. Chapter 1

Hey, this is my first fanfic, so be nice! Even though what I write is not nice, be so to me! 'Kay? What do I mean by not nice? Well, people, it plainly means I'm screwing up the too perfect quest of Link and Malon! And you can't stop me! So read, and have a nice day.

* * *

_This is screwed up. This is SO screwed up!_

The young boy in green, Link, shook a fist at the heavens, cursing under his breath against the Hyrulean goddesses. What had happened to him is not a bad day, but worse. Worse than Mido and Saria sneaking off late at night without his knowledge. Worse than perambulating inside a giant fish of the Zoras. Worse than cramming everything because a suicidal moon is going to obliterate a time-strict town. Worse than getting his rear whipped by a freaky mask being that the creators of the universe took from hell and dropped it here. Worse than knowing that while everything is going on, two Kokiris held a forest party inside Link's house, which now smelled of fruity wine and burning leaves. Yes, even worse than that.

"I'm so happy I'm back!" Navi flitted in his face.

"Shut up!" Link wished that when he found Navi in the forest, she would have a R.I.P. stone behind her. He had hoped that all his efforts to confirm that Navi was dead wouldn't be in vain. Alas, when he found her, or rather she found him, he gaped and, on his knees, screamed every profanity word in every language he knew.

"HEY! DON'T TELL ME TO SHUT UP!"

"YEAH? I'M YOUR MASTER, SO YOU SHOULD OBEY ME!"

"MASTER? YOU IDIOT, YOU HAVE THE ROLES REVERSED! I'M THE MASTER!"

"THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE! WHO IN THEIR STUPID DIVINE MIND MADE FAIRIES MASTERS WHILE THE KOKIRIS ARE THEIR SLAVES?"

"THE GREAT DEKU TREE DID BECAUSE THE STUPID GREAT WAR SHOWED HOW INCREDIBLY DOLTISH HYLIANS, GORONS, ZORAS, AND GERUDOS ARE!"

"Damn that piece of wood! I should have used Din's Fire on that talking plant a _long_ time ago…"

"Well, ha! Now you can't! Because I forbid you to!"

"What do you mean you forbid me? You're only saying that because you lost that sacred magic of the goddess of power!"

"I didn't lose it! It sank in that creepy well!"

"You pushed the damn thing in there! Now how am I supposed to get it!"

"Just go down there!"

"Are you crazy! My butt was almost bitten off by that Dead Hand! You think you want your shiny, round ass be shank by those teeth?"

Before they knew it, they had argued the whole way to Lon Lon Ranch. Link did not know why, but it seemed as if someone had controlled him to come to this serene farm. However, serene as it may be, someone at the ranch will make sure the day goes haywire for the Hero of Time.

"Navi, you better had been the one that dragged me here…"

"What's wrong going here?"

When Link turned around to face her, the fairy could see fear in his face. "About that… I don't want to stay here. Please, if you have any pity left for me before that argument, I beg of you to let me leave here!"

"Okay… then no."

"Please! Don't let me stay here!"

"This seems to be tormenting you, I like that. So, no."

"Please, I must get the hell out of here before-"

"Hey, fairy boy!"

"NOOO!" Link spun and tried to sprint, but he's paralyzed by an unknown force. "NO, I BEG OF YOU, FARORE! DON'T LEAVE ME HERE!" He landed on his knees and clasped his hands in desperate prayer.

"Hiya, Liiiiiink…" Two hands covered his eyes. It's too late, he realized. With nowhere to run, the little hero whimpered as he felt a hot, sweaty presence and caught the scent of flowers and cow manure combined. "I knew you'd come back! I was so lonely without you to _play_ with!"

"Oh, Farore, why have you forsaken me!"

"Forsaken what, cutie?" Malon brought the trembling Link into her arms, smoldering the back of his green tunic with muck. "Miss me? 'Cause I miss you, Linky-poo."

"Linky-poo?" Navi choked in laughter. "Link, what have you been doing while I was gone?"

"Some _very nice_ things, haven't you, fairy boy?"

"Please, let this be a horrible dream…" the hero whined.

"Oh, you silly boy," giggled Malon. "Have you forgotten our sweet kiss?"

"Kiss?" Navi said. "What the-"

"And those _naughty_ moments after that?"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait…" the fairy interrupted. "Are you saying… that you did naughty things… while you're TEN?"

"Oh, Navi! All I did was rub his butt. Like right now." Navi found a hand clutching Link's rear firmly. "See?"

"Please…" Link whimpered while still flinched in shock, "let go of my butt…"

"Aw, but you came here, didn't you? That means you want Malony to rub your hindy, don't ya, fairy boy?"

"Actually, the player did that," Navi clarified.

"The what?"

"The player. One of the hundred millions of deities who control Link's life."

"What?"

"Well, right now, only one at a time can control this Link here."

"Okay… well… um, it seems as if you took leave of the insane asylum too early…"

"Oh, no. Nintendo, the great god of the whole universe and everything in the universe, hasn't considered me crazy. This, Malon…" Navi tilted towards her hand, "is listed as one of TVs top rated outrageous moments."

"But me and Link like it!"

"No, I don't…" the traumatized Link muttered under his breath.

"Anyway… we're on vacation."

"'We'?" Link jumped away from the horny redhead and glared at Navi. "There's no 'we' in this! This is my private vacation! I need some alone time!"

"Well, under Nintendo's laws of slaves under fairies, it states that I must accompany you while you enjoy yourself."

"Nintendo, whoever this creator is, can just take those laws of theirs and shove it up their-"

"Hey, I got an idea!" Malon intervened. "How about if I come with you guys?"

"NO! I swear, if any of you come with me, I will-"

"Dad!" she called to Talon snoozing in his house. "I'm going with my fairy boy on vacation, okay!"

A half-awake voice sounded through the door. "'Kay… Have… fun with… your Link…"

Link, in his disbelief, ran and pounded on the door madly. "Sir! You can't let your daughter go with me! You can't do this to me! YOU CAN'T! PLEASE, SIR, RECONSIDER!" A famous snore of Talon's answered back. "NO! WAKE UP! I DON'T WANT MALON TO GO WITH ME! NO! NO…! No…! No…" Link sobbed as he slid down the wooden door in despair.

"You don't mind, do you, Navi?"

"Oh, no, Malon. Anything that leaves Link like this is perfectly fine with me. In fact, I'll pay you if you keep this up during his vacation."

"Oh, I have my pay. My pay is to have Linky-poo here with me while we have _fun_!" Malon walked up and simply grabbed Link's ankle. With ease, she dragged him from the house and out towards Hyrule Field.

"Let's go to Kakariko Village," Navi said while she flew ahead. "They should have an inn there while we prepare for tomorrow's, um, fun."

"I'm gonna love this vacation! How about you, sweetie pie?"

A quiet, broken wail escaped from Link's mouth. "Farore, why did curse me with these two deplorable woes…?"

* * *

A ten-year old, perverted Malon. Cute. 


	2. Chapter 2

Yay, thanks for the reviews! It means that somebody liked my dysfunctional story!

* * *

"Stock Pot Inn?" Link read the sign outside one of Kakariko's buildings. "What the-"

The door suddenly threw itself open. "Welcome, welcome!" a purpled haired man stepped outside and greeted the three. "We have one extr- What in the name of Tingle! WHERE ARE WE?"

"… Kafei?" Link gaped. "What… You… Here… Kakariko… Termina… Parallel… Grown up?"

"What do you mean I'm grown up?" Kafei then blanked out. In a moment, he laughed. "Oh, that's right! I'm grown up! Guess I haven't gotten used to my old body yet!"

"Kafei! What are you doing here!"

"What are you DOING HERE? I thought you left Termina already!"

"This isn't Termina! It's Hyrule, my home world!"

"HYRULE? But… I… Termina… Married… Parallel… Twins… Crappy technology… Ohh…" Kafei fainted and collapsed on the floor.

"Honey!" Anju called from inside. "What's wrong?" A while later, she appeared before her husband and the others. "Oh, Link! It's you! Came back to visit already? That was quick. Though, I don't know why Kafei here fainted and…" She now noticed the outside world. "Uh, this isn't… home… This… isn't Clock Town… at all…"

"Anju, this is Hyrule," Link clarified. "Now, whatever you do, don't screa-"

"AAAHHH! WHERE'S MY HOME? WHERE'S CLOCK TOWN? WHAT AM I DOING HERE? AAAHHH!" She started running around her house in a demented manner.

"What's going on over here?" The Cucco lady nearby asked. "I haven't seen this building before…" She began to step inside.

"Uh, ma'am, I wouldn't go in there…"

"AAAHHH! THERE'S NO CLOCK ANYMORE! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KEEP TRACK OF TIME? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT TIME DINNER STARTS AND SUPPER STARTS?"

"Hello!" The Cucco lady addressed Anju. She somehow managed to catch the newlywed and calmed her down. "Now, now, no need to scream and- Hey, you have the nicest hair I've ever seen."

"Oh, thank you. I take very good care of it!"

"Really? What's your secret?"

"The secret is… You know the 'repeat' part of the shampoo label?" Anju then nodded slowly to get the message across.

"Wow… Hey, I repeat lathering and rinsing, too!"

"You do?"

"Oh, yes! You remind me of… me!"

"You also remind me of… me!"

"Uh, I hate to break this up to you two, but…" Link paused to find easy words, "you two are parallel world's twins."

The following moment they can't recall, but after that, Link, Navi, and Malon were now staring at two screaming redheads that were rampaging inside the inn.

"Uh… Master, please explain."

"Well, let's see… I think one of the divine players have done something commonly termed as 'code programming.'"

"… Keep going." Link gestured.

"Well, I think by this 'code programming,' this unique player has successfully merged this… Stocky Bot Fin, whatever it is, into Kakariko Village."

"Uh-huh…" Malon nodded slowly. "This is certainly a challenge for the three goddesses."

"Eh, nah. The three goddesses are no match for the divine players."

"Blasphemy, I say. Though, I have to admit, what just happened here is intriguing me to convert to the religion of these 'players.'"

"That's a recommended idea."

Suddenly, two more redheads from the Stock Pot Inn exited with a yawn.

"… ROMANI? CREMIA?" Link exclaimed.

"Grasshopper?" Romani cocked her head. "Are you back so soon already? I know you miss Romani, but I didn't know this much!"

"Anyway, what's going on?" Cremia asked. "I see two Anjus running wildly downstairs. My double friend certainly is ruining me and my sister's vacation."

"Oh, Nayru, tell me this isn't happening…" Link groaned.

"Hey, Tatl!" Romani waved at the fairy.

"I'm not Tatl, you dimwit. I'm the much smarter Navi!"

"Hey, Romani!"

"Romani, I'm not Romani! I'm Malon!"

"Okay…" Cremia's eyebrows furrow. "Somebody tell me what in the world are my sister's parallel twin and Tatl's parallel twin doing here… Or what Romani and I are doing here in Kakariko Village…"

"Wait, you know EVERYTHING?" Link questioned.

"Of course I do! I'm one of the player's lifetime protégé!"

"EVEN KNOWING ABOUT THE PLAYERS?"

"Well, yeah, duh. I know about them and Nintendo. Though, I have to say, some of the players are perverts and had me strip in front of them…" She shuddered. "Anyhow, what's going on? What are we doing here?"

"I think someone merged the Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time and the Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask together!" Navi explained.

"WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHO OR WHAT ARE THESE TITLES?" Link screamed.

"Easy. The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time is the world we live in, which is Hyrule, while the Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask is Termina!"

"WHAT? I'm having a hard time believing this!"

"It makes perfect sense! The Ocarina of Time is from Hyrule, while Majora's Mask is from-"

"I KNOW WHERE THEY COME FROM! I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY WHOEVER GAVE US THESE TITLES!"

"Again, perfect sense. Though, the title 'Legend of Zelda' is misleading. It should be 'Legend of Link,' because you, Link, did all these stuff, not the princess!"

"THIS STILL DOESN'T MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER! YOU AND YOUR BLASPHEMOUS WORDS ABOUT PLAYERS AND NINTENDO!"

"Calm down, fairy boy!" Malon came over and then squeezed him around the neck. "Here, let me relax you…" She started nibbling his pointy ear.

"Whoa! Romani doesn't need to see that!" Romani spun around to let the moment commence.

"This is giving me the wrong kind of relaxing…" Link mumbled silently, his ear pleasantly receiving soft biting.

"So, Navi…" Cremia bespoke her, "who exactly is doing this 'code programming'?"

"I have no idea… but, if you're here, then probably-"

"More people from Termina, too."

"It could be worse. The player may _really_ merge our two worlds together."

"That's going to cause more problems than any regular merging because of parallel twins' interaction…"

"Which could lead to disbelief, abandoning of morals and religion, and ultimately…"

"Total chaos and destruction," Navi and Cremia completed together.

"Or not," Cremia said. "Maybe it'll work out just fine."

"I highly doubt that, but still, it's a possibility. If it does happen, it could lead to…"

"A golden age for the Legend of Zelda," they both again finished the sentence.

"It'll be good… I think."

"Easy for you to say." Navi scoffed. "I have a parallel twin, which I hope isn't here right no- Oof!"

Tatl, accompanied by Tael, slammed into Navi. "What the flip is going on!" she demanded from the two. "Why do I see two running guys, twice the number of Zoras, the Clock Tower in the middle of a castle town, and a horny redhead biting Link's ear!"

"Oh, joy, my dumber, spunkier twin," Navi groaned to herself. "And I expect the player to think that he or she can get us two along."

"Navi, you think we should tell everybody about everything?" Cremia inquired.

"Not… everything. Only the merging of Hyrule and Termina. The knowledge of technical ruling, a boundless number of players controlling lives, and the great Nintendo must be preserved and stay occult to prevent utter catastrophe!"

"Let's do it right now!"

"What's the rush? The crossover isn't complete yet, so we don't have to-"

Abruptly interrupting Navi, the whole medieval world of Hyrule speedily shook. In less than five seconds, the advanced land of Termina has already merged with Hyrule, creating a strange, wonderful world that is more beautiful, mysterious, and dangerous than the two separated. Ten seconds later, a thousand screams rang throughout the fused landscape as people find their equals staring right back at them.

"Well, that's panicking time," Navi remarked. "Yeah, now I think it's a good time to tell them."

* * *

Bored, so I decided to do a crossover between OoT and MM! Don't worry, it'll still stay focused on Link's screwy vacation! 


	3. Chapter 3

"Ha, take that, Ganon!" Link, charging back after a slash, gloated in front of the hog-shaped form of the King of Evil. The teen in green wasn't done yet. Just one more tail kicking and he can finally get off the stupid, floating island.

"You think that's the end of me, boy?" roared Ganon. "I hold the Triforce of Power! I can never be defeated!"

Magically, Link flew up and kicked the snorting head, sending Ganon flying onto the ground. "Yeah, and I'm Papa Smurf. Haven't you heard? Good always triumph over evil. Technically, the battle should have been over, but you just had to use that Triforce of Power to turn you into a pig. Don't you ever learn?"

"Insolent boy! You will pay for this!" Out of thin air, Ganon grabbed a mask with familiar markings and had spikes lining the edge. "With Majora's Mask, you are doomed!" The monster then put on a light show, combining his magic with Majora's. Black and white mixed in the air, while dramatic energies of darkness exploded all around him and Link. Easily, the earth shuddered beneath their feet to exert her fear.

Link, however, simply yawned. "Are you done?"

"WHAT? YOU SHALL BE REGRETTING THOSE WORDS, YOU MORTAL!"

"Blah blah blah blah blah blah. Goddess, doesn't evil take a rest from their monologues and threats? Anyway…" He himself grabbed a mask out of nowhere, too, "say hello to my pretty, little friend." With that, he smacked the mask on, a figure whose countenance is similar to Link's, but was deadlier in sight. A giant burst of light emitted from him, concealing his transformation. After a moment, where Link was standing before was a taller figure donned in a decorated, silver armor. Around it was a pale blue tunic, while underneath was a black suit. The left hand wielded a sword of helix design, none of which anybody had ever laid eyes on. The face had markings of blue and red paint, but the eyes were shocking, for they were infinitely white.

"What trickery is this!" Ganon demanded.

"Oooh, big, bad Ganon with Majora's Mask wanna know who I am!" the figure mocked. "The name's Fierce Deity, Mr. King of Evil, and I'm here to have my monthly ass-whooping."

"The King of Evil will not be insulted by a mere threat!"

"Threat? What do you mean, threat? I'm the Fierce Deity, and what I say, goes."

"Foolish being! Prepare for your eternal afterlife!"

"Oh? I don't think so." With that, Oni Link rushed forward, letting out his battle cry.

Needless to say, the combo of Ganon and Majora's Mask was as strong as a Deku Stick on fire. After a few hits and magical attacks, Oni Link let fly one more of his magical disk. Ganon's yelp then turned into a groan as bluish-green light engulfed his body.

"No! How can this be? I hold the Triforce of Power! I hold the force of Majora's Mask! I am invincible!"

Oni Link smirked smugly, then performed an obscene gesture accompanied by a, "No. Now, have a good time to wherever you go."

After a lengthy sending off, Link took off the divine mask. Still on his face was that smirk. "All in a day's work. Ha, nothing can take me on, because I ain't scared of anybody. Nobody. I ain't scared of not-"

"Yoo-hoo! Fairy boy!" Familiar arms began to slide over his shoulders and down to his chest. "Miss me?"

_AHHH! MOMMY!_

"Well, we're alone out here, so I can make it up to you real easily here…"

_Oh, for Din's sake, I ask for one thing, AND YOU CAN'T GRANT ME THAT?_

"Oooh, let's start with your arm, Linky," Malon suggested, caressing his arm in such a way that he almost jumped out of his skin.

"No… Please, no…"

* * *

"No… Don't touch me… I know you're horny for me… but leave me alone…"

"Slave, stop mumbling in your sleep," Navi said, while checking herself in the mirror. "Jeez, a week already and you're screwing it up."

Hearing her voice, Link, in his real, young body, speedily woke up. Sweat clung to him everywhere, while his breathing was amplified to heavy. Seeing the previous events as dreams, or a nightmare in his case, he sighed, relieving tension in his composition.

"So…" Navi started, "Malon turned your wonderful dream into a nightmare?"

"You have no idea…" Link shuddered. "Thank Goddess you woke me up in a nick of time. She was heading below my belt…"

"You know, Link, you should be more appreciative of this. Most guys, if not all, would love to be in the predicament you're in. Especially all the divine players. From what I heard from Cremia, they REALLY like redheaded farm girls…"

"Oh, Goddess…" He slipped off his bed. "Well, count me as the first guy ever to not enjoy this."

"Actually, there are some players who devoted their life just to see you and Malon together, both romantically and… well, like that in your nightmare."

"Well, they can forget about it, your heretical 'players' who want me and… _that_ together."

"Ah, slave… You're a unique one." Navi then held up a stack of towels. "Now, hurry up and hide these customary towels."

"Master, Stock Pot Inn's towels are free."

"Idiot, do you know what we'll look like if we leave carrying these free items out publicly?"

"Well, we still have five weeks left of my vacation, so I don't see the point of hiding these now."

A splattering noise erupted through the room. Unfortunately, Anju gave Link, Navi, and Malon the 'Knife Chamber' room, thus enabling easy listening between that room, and Anju and Kafei's.

"Great, taking a shower…" Navi mumbled.

"'I'm singin' in the rain!'" Anju's voice suddenly blared through the thin wall. "'I'm singin' in the rain!'"

"Exactly WHY did we choose the Stock Pot Inn, Navi?"

"It's cheap."

"_I can see that…_"

A short scream followed the innkeeper's distorted tune, then Kafei's voice came in, "Hey, honey! I just love the way you sing!"

"AH! PERV! GET OUT!"

"But, Anju, it's me, Kafei! We sleep in the same bed!"

"OUT! OUT! I'M TAKIING A SHOWER!"

"But we saw each other without cl- OW!" An object made a resounding noise off of Kafei's head.

"GET…" BANG! "OUT…" BANG! " OF…" BANG! "HERE!" BANG!

"Ouch! Okay, okay! Man…"

"So, that was what, the fourth time Kafei did that?" Link asked.

"I think it was his fifth."

"You'll think he'd learn… Anyway, where's Malon?"

"Downstairs having breakfast."

"Good, some alone time…"

A knock on the door disproved that statement. With a groan, Link treaded over and opened the door.

"… Zelda?"

"Greetings, Link!" the princess said.

"Um, what are you doing here?"

"I decided to visit. I believe after the worlds merging, you would like a rational person to talk to."

"Well… I'm not sure I'm going to stay sane if all of this keeps up. But I do appreciate you coming over… Come on in."

After a moment of settlement, the two sparked a conversation at the room's table.

"How are you holding up?" Zelda questioned.

"Well…" Link hesitated to cogitate, "my vacation is worse than trying to stick it to a Cucco, and it's getting worse by the moment."

"Oh…"

A thought dug itself up, one Link hadn't pondered about for a long time. In his stupidity, he decided to pop the sentence, "Hey, um… I have something to say…" With a deep breath, he continued, "Zelda… we've… known each other for a long time, right?"

"Yes. A long time."

"And… we're… close, right?"

"Yes, it's true."

"Zelda… I just want to say…" He stopped for a moment to quickly build up the atmosphere, "… I love you."

For about ten seconds, Zelda sat frozen in tight thoughts while Link was perched up, ready to spring in joy for the same three words.

"Oh, Link…" she finally spoke up, "I have something to say, too…"

The boy in green leaned forward, fully prepared to experience the lovely moment ahead.

"Link… I…"

"Yeah…?"

"I love Ruto!"

In the negative silence, a person far off started bawling out laughter loudly.

"Wh… What?" Link's eyes were easily seen losing light.

"I'm sorry, but I love Ruto!" Zelda smiled. "I hope I didn't harm any of your emotions, Link. Could we still be friends?"

"R…. R… RU… RUTO?"

"Yes." Zelda then noticed the clock nearby. "Oh, my. My five minutes are being extended. I have to take my leave. Oh, Link, I have a favor to ask of you." She pulled out a bouquet of flowers. "Could you give this to Ruto the next time you meet with her? I have important business to attend to."

"Business? What business?" Somehow, he didn't like the sound of the word.

"I have to attend the wedlock of Saria and Mido."

"WHAT?"

"Well, Saria was lonely while you were gone, and so…" She guided Link's hand to hold the bouquet. "Nevertheless, I have little time before the marriage, so I shall take my leave. Adieu, Link!"

Link's eye was twitching soon after the departure of Zelda. Nearby, Navi cried in laughter, her round body rolling around on the tabletop.

"Oh, man! Didn't see that one coming! That certainly made my day!" the fairy exclaimed. "What a sad vacation you have right now, slave."

A few moments passed before Link finally muttered, "A curse upon my soul… A curse upon my happiness… Two girls I once had feelings for… Gone…" His head loosely smacked the table.

"Hey, fairy boy!" Malon's voice called from below. "We ran out of salt! And all the eggs, sausage, and bacon are gone, too!"

"NOT THE BACON!" he cried horribly. "ANYTHING BUT… THE BACON!" The hero sobbed, his day ruined just ten minutes after he woke up. "I lost everything I ever loved…"

"So, Link…" the farm girl's voice heightened as she came in, "what are we gonna-" A gasp escaped, "Are these flowers! For me? Oh, Link, you couldn't have!" She ran up and hugged him strongly by the neck. "Oh, you cutie! You are so sweet to get me flowers, Linky-poo! I'm gonna make sure you have a good day!"

"I lost everything… and gained something so much worse than dying…"

"Ah, Link, you and Malon make such a good couple," Navi remarked. "A perfect match. You two are meant for each other!"

"I regret the day I abandoned the plan to put you in a bottle and throw you down Death Mountain Crater."


End file.
